I Have A Question

I have a few questions about toilet paper. Who designs toilet paper? What are those development meetings like? Are the ridges on toilet paper engineered for maximum cleaning ability or is it merely there for aesthetics?

"I like ridges."

"Bumps are more efficient."

"Smooth and soft paper protects sensitive tushies."

I did not do any research. I do not actually want to know. I prefer the uninformed guess work.

Do the researchers take their work home with them?

"Kids, we are trying something new for the next few days. Single-ply. So ease up on the fruit."

Or, is all the work done on the job? I am now trying to imagine what the cubicles look like. A desk, telephone, computer, a toilet. Maybe a sink to wash up. Oh, and some magazines. Magazines such as Home Decor, Rolling Stone or Sports Illustrated. And some lilac air freshener.

Why hasn't Swiffer entered into the toilet paper market? They already have the disposable single use dusters and floor cleaners. What I am suggesting is a combination of the two. Perhaps some R and D into the micro-fibre angle for a soft comfortable clean to your bottom.

Restroom? More like Work Room

Using the public restroom takes some preparation. The word restroom is perhaps a misnomer as there is little rest with all the necessary preparation. The first step requires you to ensure the stall door is properly locked behind you - we must avoid the door swinging open whilst the jeans are around the knees.

Next, you must carefully lower the toilet seat with your shoe. For, should your hand come in direct contact with the seat you may acquire a full blown case of the cooties.

Next, grab a wad of toilet paper to wipe the seat - as the previous user may have missed the hole and wet the surface. As the saying goes, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. I say it counts for the guy who keeps missing the bowl and pisses on the toilet seat.

After carefully wiping the throne, discard the moist wad in the bowl. The wad of paper may not cover the entire surface area of the water. And this is important, if the entire surface is not covered when you start your business, and things do fall, an unwanted splash may be the result. Picture for example, jumping off the high diving board in cannon ball fashion and the invariable splash that ensues. Now picture this, albeit on a smaller scale, with the toilet water splashing your bumbum.

Next is the toilet seat, protect your sensitive bottom from the heavily used public seat by placing a toilet seat cover on the seat. If not available, doubling up some toilet paper will also do the trick. Next, it is on to your business. Hope you brought some good reading material! I recommend light reading, perhaps short stories by Jeffrey Archer or the latest issues of The Walking Dead. Or if more time is required, a Stephen King novel such as The Stand or The Dome. Happy flushing! Don't forget to wash up!

I Missed

My brain is tired and lately all that I seem to come up with are toilet stories and well, toilet humour. Nobody likes layoffs but it seems the last round of cuts included the guy who was crapping on the toilet seats. But the recent transfers to our building there's a new guy who shits up the inside the bowl. In the non shitting area!

I can't understand how you miss if you are sitting. Reminds me of that hilarious and infamous scene from the Eddy Murphy movie Daddy Day Care. "I missed."

Another Crappy Story

I just want to take a dump in peace and privacy. Since I live alone, if I am home alone, I can keep the bathroom door open when I use the facilities. I repeat, if I am home alone, not when I have guests over. I have other ways to entertain guests.

Bathroom Privacy

From one bathroom I have a clear view of the TV set so I never have to miss a play when the hockey game is on. Except of course when I have guests over.

At work I expect more privacy. The stall door remains closed as should the bathroom door. Some people are unclear on this concept. And here is the rest of the story.

One Wednesday afternoon, while I was sitting on my throne of solitude - the far stall to the right - in walks the maintenance lady charged with cleaning the bathroom. Either singing or talking on the phone, the cleaner is there like broken clockwork somewhere between 1PM and 4PM.

Unable to perform with the pressure of someone close by, and the door wide open, I exited the stall and suggested to her that a certain amount of privacy is expected. I asked that if she insisted on cleaning the bathrooms while they are in use, she should at least keep the door closed, instead of propping it open with her cart. Again, for reasons of privacy.

Perils of Public Toilets

The preference of course is for her to wait outside until the bathrooms are vacated. Additionally, I asked her to clean at the same time every day so that we don't have to guess when to use the bathrooms. I made the suggestion to post the times when the bathrooms are off limits or use an out of service sign to prevent people from entering before or during cleanup.
This was my second conversation with her.

Two days later, I used the facilities at an earlier time to avoid a repeat of the prior day's events. The cleaning lady, the same one, came in at this earlier time and stayed inside to clean while the door was propped open. An exact repeat of the events and points I covered with her. I advised her I would make a complaint.

More Effective? I stole this picture.

I did. I provided my suggestions. I sent a wordy but polite email to my colleague who is the main contact with the building staff. I stated the hours for cleaning must be posted, and the cleaning crew must respect those who use the facilities. I copied my manager and his manager. The reply I received was not to communicate orders to the maintenance people as they do not report to me. I should escalate the matter by completing a maintenance request.

It has never been more difficult to refrain from replying with an immense amount of sarcasm.

Two weeks have passed still no answer, and as far as I know, nothing has changed. I will follow up today and perhaps post the remainder of the story. What should be my next step if my request is ignored?

The Jim Carey Meme

You may or may not have heard about Jim Carey professing his love for Emma Stone. If you haven't let me explain that this is Carey's most viewed film since 2003's Bruce Almighty. Many people gave up on Jim Carey long before Jenny McCarthy ever did. In the video we see Carey playing creepy to an Academy Award level.
I fell on this Jim Carey Meme first at the No Named Dufus blog. I also discovered another of my regular reads Cardio Girl had added her own interpretation.

You can watch the video on the intergoogle but the video is being taken down quicker than you can say copyright infringement. Here is the transcript.

Carrey’s desperate message to Emma Stone

I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re all the way beautiful. Not just pretty but, you know, smart and kindhearted. And if I were a lot younger, I would marry you, and we would have chubby little freckled-faced kids.

Jim Carey

We’d laugh all day long and go camping and play Yahtzee and tell ghost stories by the fire. And the sex?(Stares into the distance imagining all kinds of lewd, creepy scenarios involving food, fur and who knows what else.)
Every day, for the rest of your life, you would thank God that I was the appropriate age for you. But I’m not. I’m 49. I have lines on my face, sometimes a little gray in my beard, and it takes me a little longer to pee than it used to. Those are the only discernible signs of aging that I can find so far.
Anyway, I just wanted to let you know how I felt. You’re pretty special, and I wish you continued success and artistic fulfillment, but most of all, I wish you love and contentment. That’s all.

Since Dufus nicked the transcript from Cardio Girl's site, I took it from his. And following the theme of the meme, below find my love plea, that I will call An Ode to My Commode. Video follows. I can say there's some really crappy editing on my part.



I just wanted to let you know that without you I am full of shit. My toilet, you are always there when I need you. At times you may get pissed but you always take me back.
You have taken so much shit from me yet, you are always so open to anything new I might bring up.
My time spent alone with you is always so peaceful, whether I am reading the newspaper or writing. At work, you are always there when I need to escape. You sit by when I need to take a break. Even when the nasty cleaning lady tries to chase me away. 

You may grow cold when we are apart but when I am near you warm up very quickly. Nothing between us is ever half-assed. I wish you love and contentment. That’s all.

Toilet Plunge

My company went on the offensive recently. In an effort to stem the mess, signs were posted everywhere in the restroom – do your share to keep the bathrooms clean. Immediate effect. No garbage on the floor, toilets are getting flushed. And the guy who keeps crapping on the toilet seat? He only missed by a little today.

Anyone who is a guy, lives with a guy or knows a guy knows, that when you stand to urinate you can miss. How the heck does someone miss when they are sitting? I will spare you the explicit details to what I witnessed. Except to say the guy was sitting. And he missed. And it was not the first time. Believe me when I say, I want to catch the person in the act, without actually catching the person during the act.

On the topic of bathrooms, I know no one likes a cold toilet seat. It is preferable and much more comfortable when the seat is warm. When the natural warmth of the room warms the throne... you sit and ahhh...

You know what I hate more than a cold toilet seat? When the seat is still warm from the last guy. There is always that little bit of lingering something in the air that sort of just hovers above the bowl.

Can a company force an employee to wash their hands? This came up in conversation this last week. This was not discussed in any official capacity but merely as an aside. I thought the hysteria over H1N1 last year would have scared people into using a little soap and water. From my understanding walking out of the bathroom without washing hands is not just a guy thing. I suppose it is possible that you might not always need to use your hands. But come on, after sitting and wiping? Come on. Come on! Wash you hands!

Please Return My Dignity

I was a little angry yesterday. Today I am better. I had a beer. Now I'm drinking coffee. I will switch back to beer shortly. But in the meanwhile, let me tell you about something that will continue to be a regular theme for me. Toilets. And this is where my headline kicks in.

I work in a big office tower in downtown Montreal. Everyday at 3:15PM the cleaning crew scrubs down the bathrooms. If you time things just right, you get a nice clean bowl. If you don't time things right, the nasty lady from the cleaning crew stands there with the door wide open waiting for you to leave.

Okay, she is more clueless than nasty. How would you feel sitting in a closed stall with your pants around your ankles and the hallway door wide open? Got the image in your head? Now, same picture, but add a lot of fibre. It's a busy hallway. I would like a little privacy. And I get in trouble for hiding her cleaning cart.

Toilet Head

Toilet Humour?

Why do people insist on not flushing? It’s a shocking and disturbing sight for which you are never ready. I do not need to know if you eat corn or enjoy spaghetti sauce. Using a public bathroom should be a simple task.

Squeeze – Wipe – Get Up – Flush. Or,
Aim – Shake – Flush.

Something else I must insist on. Do not try to shake my hand in the bathroom. Do not try before, during, or after. It is a bathroom, a place of privacy and pee.

Do not punch fists, and no chest bumps. You know what? Do not even talk to me. I do not believe in urinal talk. This is not the water cooler.

The usual personal space rule, although limited by bathroom area, increases tenfold when you are trying to urinate.

If you talk to me I will forced to make awkward jokes. You don’t believe me? Here is, word for word, a reenactment of a recent event at the urinal.

“Hey Ohara what’s new?”

“Not much,” I replied. “Just hanging out.”

Some things are better left unsaid. Maybe unread.

Yesterday, I was in the middle of a conversation with my boss when he decided to make a stop to take a leak. I had no choice; I had to follow him in.

He’s at the urinal; I am standing in middle of the bathroom floor. Do I look in the mirror? At the ceiling? Stare at his back? Okay, I will make eye contact. Oh no, too much eye contact. I make my excuses and wait in the hall.

Still don’t think urinal conversation is awkward?

Reenactment number B.

“How are you Ohara?”

“I’m fine but this porcelain sure is cold.”

The other day I was sitting in the stall catching up on my reading when the fellow, one stall over STANDS UP to wipe. When did this become the procedure? Why wasn’t I copied on the email?

Or better yet, how old are you? Four? Is this an exotic custom you picked up in travels to far away lands? Does he not understand the risk of collateral damage?! There is such thing as gravity. Things fall. Unless you have completely disrobed and laid newspaper across the floor you are putting us all at risk.

Is it normal to talk on the phone in the bathroom? Don’t you care what the person on the other end thinks of you? That little mic in your phone picks up a lot of noise and sound effects.
Still don’t care? Do you know that I try to make as much noise as possible when I know you are on the phone? I flush the toilet an extra time or two. I run the hand dryer longer. I try to fart louder.

Do you look at it before you flush? Well, I don't as a rule. I do not go out of my way. Do you care how big it is? If you look can you look one more time to make sure you flushed?

Save Money By Going To Work

I had an idea on saving money for a long while and when I saw this article on Yahoo Finance I had to put it in words. The Yahoo article talks about saving money at home. Make your own lunch, save a mortgage payment. Do you want to know how to save money? I am going to tell you how to save money on the job.

Over the years I have accumulated a multitude of hours sitting in the bathroom stall at work. During this time I realized that I am saving money on toilet paper. Every time I use the facilities at work, ten or eleven squares of toilet paper are left unused at home.

I purchased a package of 12 rolls of toilet paper at the IGA grocery store for $10.99 CAD. Not the best price but sometimes you do not have the luxury of time for shopping around for the best deals.

According to my calculations, at $10.99 the rolls are 91 cents each. Each roll contains 300 sheets. Each sheet is 0.003053 cents. Let us assume that in a regular sitting I use ten sheets. Ten sheets come to 0.0305 cents. Five working days during the week, we are looking at 0.15 cents. I work 47 weeks during the year, 47 multiplied by 0.15 cents gives us 7.17 cents.

During the course of the year I save 7.17 cents. Not bad. And that doesn't even calculate the days I have diarrhea! Tomorrow we will take a look at all the money I am saving on soap.