The Do Over Over

If you liked the Do Over, than you just might like the hilarious sequel the Do Over Over. Yellow Gun Films starring Will Lerner.

The Job Interview

I Have A Question

I have a few questions about toilet paper. Who designs toilet paper? What are those development meetings like? Are the ridges on toilet paper engineered for maximum cleaning ability or is it merely there for aesthetics?

"I like ridges."

"Bumps are more efficient."

"Smooth and soft paper protects sensitive tushies."

I did not do any research. I do not actually want to know. I prefer the uninformed guess work.

Do the researchers take their work home with them?

"Kids, we are trying something new for the next few days. Single-ply. So ease up on the fruit."

Or, is all the work done on the job? I am now trying to imagine what the cubicles look like. A desk, telephone, computer, a toilet. Maybe a sink to wash up. Oh, and some magazines. Magazines such as Home Decor, Rolling Stone or Sports Illustrated. And some lilac air freshener.

Why hasn't Swiffer entered into the toilet paper market? They already have the disposable single use dusters and floor cleaners. What I am suggesting is a combination of the two. Perhaps some R and D into the micro-fibre angle for a soft comfortable clean to your bottom.

Funny Pictures from Around the Web

In my constant battle to fight boredom over the last couple of years mostly via internet browsing, I fell on many very funny pictures and photos. When I like something I save it. Sometimes I look at the funny photo a couple days later and say, "This isn't funny." And then delete it. The following are the ones that stuck with me. It was my intention to email these hilarious photos to friends. I may have. Perhaps I borrowed these pictures from your website or the emails you sent me. In the end I will just share these with you here.

Never seen a picture before that captured a cat so well. Cat blog.

I think this was made for my girlfriend. I tolerate you too.

It took Twilight to make Blade seem cool

My blog readership has increased to 12. No, wait. 13.

The Muppets take Mos Eisley

In the dark urban jungle of Montreal walks the carnivorous panda

And then he ran for the leadership of the Liberal Party (or Republican 
depending on your current location.)

Sometimes Dad is right. Sometimes.

How big would this guys freaking house be?

Is this when the Decarie got flooded? There comes a time when 
you must leave the car.

Maybe I will take my Walkman there.

PostSecret.com

One of those things that I wish I thought of.

Taking dad out for a walk. The Walking Dead?

A caption wouldn't do it justice.

Happy Halloween

Or depending on your source, 5773.

Canada

Rufus Does Gum

My friends Cheesy Mike and Joe Bunga used to pull out their guitars and perform. They would also have fun doing covers of TV commercials. Rufus Wainwright follows the same idea in Rufus Wainwright Does Gum.

Rufus Wainwright Does Gum from Rufus Wainwright  

Doublemint Doublemint

The Do Over

Ever wish you could have a 'Do Over'? Tony does.
I want this machine.

Features Amanda Noret, Will Lerner. Created by Justin Smith Shelton, Jason Bradford, Brian Monk.

Stubborn Fool is Everywhere

Free  fill up with every follow on StubbornFool.com. Deli will cost you a bundle though. Is that Schwartz's?

This is a $200 question.

Yeah. Well, they tried. 

Just as long as you don't drink and drive. That's why I drink at home.

Cheapest rental truck. I need a truck that big to carry my ego.

They welcome me. And then show me to the door.

Best Penis

Some people wonder how to get rid of spam. I use my spam folder to help sort my email. There is some "spam" that I actually read. Some are subscriptions others are from websites that I belong to. I keep them in the junk folder because I don't want them to clutter up my inbox. Most though are unwanted emails. And occasionally, I get an email that crosses the line.

I just got an email in my spam folder that really caught my attention. It was from some guy who calls himself Best Penis. Well, I assume it is a guy. But seriously, Best Penis!? Of all the nerve! How dare he? He's never seen my penis.

And what criteria is he using to decide his is Best Penis? Weight, size, shape? Maybe colour or texture? Taste?

But then I read the rest of the email and he wrote, "resale it the of good full now is value. future retail you are and an you be previous the able little decide generations said, if their will be this products if you back new plateau on Apple iPhone prices a prices it 10." And then everything became clear. (??) The rest of the email talked about a male enlargement supplement. I think he is referring to doughnuts.

Before and After

Before and After Doughnut Supplement

My Life in Pictures

Labour Day and time to put away all of your white clothes. Luckily everything I own is black and blue. I have always hated this time of year. For the first 25 years of my life it signified a return to school. September also marks a turn in the weather. The sun isn't as strong, and rays turn to rain. And it's the weekend where the local radio stations bring out their lame weekend promotions. CHOM, the once cool rock radio station pulled out a real gem.

From their website, "This Labour Day weekend CHOM is having...twins. It's a special two-for Labour Day weekend on CHOM! All long weekend we’re birthing your favourite bands back to back. We’ll do twice the pushing...you get twice the songs..." Are you freaking kidding me? That's a bit of a stretch. That station has lost its grit. I was listening on Saturday evening and their veteran weekend announcer sounded embarrassed reading that promo. They do have a couple talented announcers. Too Tall has always been my favourite, if I had my say, he would be programming all their music, although I think Picard is having a good influence. Anyway, this wasn't supposed to be a rant about radio. I was going to write a line or two and post some pictures. So, happy (day after) Labour Day. Off to work...

And I haven't lived with my parents in 16 years.

Granted, they just moved into my building. I probably won't ever tell them about my blog. I figure they get offended enough in our regular conversations.

I'm down to bag litre three cups of coffee a day.

How I act around girls I have no interest in.

How I act around girls I want to Date

Apart from the obvious, I also gain the weight as shown in the above photo. I stole this joke. I prefer this picture of Farley to the original.

Sisko's, Winner of The World's Best Restaurant Prize, Fictitious Category

I've been to New Orleans three times and this was the only thing missing. They have their own Myspace page and are supposed to serve excellent food. Too bad they aren't real.

Thanks Bizarrocomics.com for stating it better than I could.

My colleague responded to this cartoon by saying, 'I've been there'. I responded by saying, "I live there".

Top 100 TV Catchphrases

As a distraction from Hurricane Irene I present The top 100 funniest best most memorable television catchphrases and lines. Some of the shows were before my time, and I don't know all of the U.K. shows but I could name about 85 of them.



1. "I shall say this only once" - 'Allo 'Allo!
2. "I have a cunning plan" - Blackadder Goes Forth
3. "Suit up!" - How I Met Your Mother
4. "Bazinga" -- The Big Bang Theory
5. "Blerg" -- 30 Rock
6. "Whoa!" -- Blossom
7. "But I'm Feeling Much Better Now" - Night Court
8. "I'm Larry, this is my brother Darryl ..." -- Newhart
9. "Hey hey hey! What's Happening!?" -- Saved by the Bell
10. "You havin' a laugh" -- Extras
11. "Pretty..pretty...pretty good" -- Curb Your Enthusiasm
12. "Don't panic" - Dad's Army
13. "Drink, Feck, Arse, Girls" -- Father Ted
14. "Don't mention the war" -- Fawlty Towers
15. "Well, of course not, don't be ridi-cool-us" -- Perfect Stranger
16. "My Shiny Ass" -- Futurama
17. "Sit on it" -- Happy Days
18. "Hello, Newman" -- Seinfeld
19. "Missed it by that much" -- Get Smart
20. "Giggity, giggity, giggity goo" -- Family Guy
21. "Dy---no---mite!" -- Good Times
22. "Cause I'm the Fonze! Ayyyy" -- Happy Days
23. "I know/see nothing!" - "Hogan's Heroes"
24. "Would you believe it" -- Get Smart
25. "Do you wanna hug it out" -- Entourage
26. "the only gay in the village" -- Little Britain
27. "You Got it Dude" -- Full House
28. "Nanu. Nanu" -- Mork & Mindy
29. "No, no, no, no, no, yes" - The Vicar of Dibley
30. "Oh my god! They killed Kenny" - South Park
31. "Are we having fun yet" -- Party Down
32. "Baby, you're the greatest" -- The Honeymooners
33. "I'm comin' to join ya Elizabeth - Sanford and Son
34. "Here come de judge" - Laugh In
35. "Yada, yada, yada" -- Seinfeld
36. "Burn" - That '70s Show
37. "Time Out" -- Saved by the Bell
38. "How you doing?" -- Friends
39. "Marsha Marsha Marsha." 
40. "One of these days, POW, right in the kisser." -- Honeymooners

Test Pattern

Funniest Quotes of the Year

Here is part two of the best and funniest quotes of the year. Thus far. (Part 1 is here). Not exactly a top ten list, but a list of the funniest tweets, comments and funny status updates I have seen on the internet, be it the Facebook or the MySpace or the Twitter.

Been on hold so long I can't remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn't really narrow it down much.

Joshua Allen 2009

Guys want to have sex with our boobs now? When did vaginas get so boring?

Whitney Cummings April 2011

Why did the 4 babies get thrown out of the bar? Cause they're just 4 stupid fucking little babies. Shitty fucking babies.

Louis C.K. March 2011

I just want to wish everyone happy holidays for december of 2007. I didn't have twitter then.

Louis C.K. April 2011

Looking good naked is such a gift. Can't wait till your birthday!

Mitch Fatel May 2011

I went through (a) phase where I only had sex with Mexican guys. God, I loved my señor year.

Morgan Murphy May 2011

Alec Baldwin for Mayor of NYC? If he runs as Jack Donaghy - I'll send a check right fucking now.

Denis Leary June 2011

To speak in my dad's computer language, I'd like to wish him a FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Happy Father's Day!

Jenny Johnson June 2011

It's hard to imagine that before electricity, people had to check Twitter by candlelight.

Robin McCauley June 2011

Thinking about going to my high school reunion so people can see that you don't need to be married or have kids to be depressed.

Robin McCauley June 2011

Yesterday was longest day of the year, not just because of the Summer Solstice but because I had to have lunch with my girlfriend’s parents.

Jimmy Carr June 2011

Can you believe Tom Cruise is nearly 49? Sorry, I mean 4’ 9”.

Jimmy Carr June 2011

The best thing about arguments is the make up sex.

That's why I hate arguments with my parents.

Unknown

I Phoned The Zoo But The Lion Was Busy

It was my sister-in-law's birthday yesterday. As the good brother-in-law I called to wish her a happy birthday. I called the house - they had already left for dinner. So, I called her cell phone. I dialled 514-555-5555 and a man with an East European type accent answered. My brother screwing around.
"Hey idiot," I said, "put your wife on the phone."
"Who ees dis?" The voice replied.
"Quit screwing around, I have to go, I want to wish her a happy birthday."
"Whoareyew, why areyew calling?"
Hmm... I think I got the wrong number. That's why I always send emails.

Wrong Number

Need Help Moving?

Do you need moving tips? Do you or someone you know need help moving? Yes? Really? Well, don't ask me. You've used up all your credits with me. Are you wondering if I am referring to you? If you answered yes, my answer is probably also yes.
Moving season is almost here but I am not expecting any requests this year. Not because of the above. But mostly because I only know of one friend moving and he and his wife hired movers. If you are reading this, you probably helped someone, at some time move. And you probably have a bad story to go along with it. I have several bad stories, and they all involved one person. (I won't mention names but will allow him to confess via the comments section.) So, in honour of moving through a darkened alley, down a rickety rusted staircase here is The Oatmeal's take on that great tradition of friendship called Moving Day.

Click the pic for more Moving Tips...

Another Typical Mother's Day

It was another typical Mother's day and it went something like this...

Everybody: "Happy Mother's Day Mom!", Happy Mother's Day Granny!"
Mother:   "Giggle, tee hee. Oh! You shouldn't have."
Shawn:  "Happy Mother's Day. We love you. You are a good mother."
Shawn turns to father and says,  "And Dad, you're one baaad mutha."

Brother laughs. Women roll their eyes. Mother tsks in disapproval. Father smacks me.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day! What do you do for Mother's Day? In my family the whole gang usually gathers at a restaurant or at someones house. This year it's going to be different. If you read my last post you wouldn't be surprised to know that this Mother's Day will be spent packing up my parents stuff for the purpose of getting them ready for their big move.

Whatever the plans, a card is essential. I went to the local pharmacy to search their selection and was utterly disappointed. It is not that they didn't have a large selection. Far from it, there were hundreds of cards. Just none that I liked. I do not like giving cards with flowery verses. I like funny cards. The problem is there are not many funny Mother's Day cards. I am guessing it's because most people don't consider funny Mother's day cards appropriate.

I don't want the card to say "You are the best mother and best friend". I do not want the card to say "I'm thankful to be the one who gets to call her mother". I want the card to say, "Happy Mother's Day, Fondly, Shawn" or, "Thanks for dinner".

Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom. On Mother's Day I will wish her well and tell her I love her. I just don't want to commit to anything in writing. If you are looking for that special card and can't find it check out Bald Guy Greetings. They have some of the funniest cards you can ever find. 

Quotes of the Year : Best So Far

Browsing through various Tweets and Facebook status updates I have here the funniest quotes of 2011. I was going to wait until the middle of the year to post this but there are just too many funny quotes. I will publish another list in a few months. I grabbed these from people I follow on Twitter or in one or two cases from Facebook status updates. Speaking of which you can follow me on Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, feedburner... click the buttons to the right.

"Children shouldn't talk to strangers. Not because strangers are dangerous, but because children are incapable of meaningful conversations."
Alison Agosti January 1

"Great idea for CNN, who's tanking and who's demo is 90% elderly: Replace all programming w videos of grandchildren."
Sarah Silverman January 18

"The cashier at Costco asked me "wanna box?" so I punched her in the face. I don't know what she was crying about, she started it."
Glenn Mallen Feb 8

"Can’t wait to watch the Superbowl tomorrow. GO ROUGH RIDERS!"
Steve Martin Feb 12

"Justin Bieber is on our Valentine’s Day show tonight! So legally, Andy has to sit 50 feet from the couch."
Conan O'Brien Feb 14

"Computers may beat us at Jeopardy, but us humans are still better at racism and smoking."
Seth MacFarlane Feb 23

"Would you freak out if I told you I was tweeting this from inside your closet?"
Conan O'Brien Feb 24

"My thoughts and prayers are with Charlie Sheen tonight, as he's been diagnosed with Full Blown Busey."
Sarah Silverman March 3

"Great, I just texted my uncle that I’m still mad he “roped” me. Thanks a lot, AutoCorrect!"
Seth MacFarlane March 4

"Puppy Mill is too cutesy for what it is. It's like saying hawacaust."
Sarah Silverman March 29

"A guy cut me off in traffic, and I called him a stupid f***. My kids asked what that meant, and I told them it means he can’t f***ing drive."
Conan O'Brien April7

"The NBA playoffs are about to begin and no one is more excited than the Cavs who can finally stop losing."
Norm Macdonald April 14

"Someone should make a beer called Mondays, then getting a case of the Mondays would not be so bad."
Beer Advocate April 19

Click here for part two.

Frank Spadone - Drinki Da Wine

Comedian Frank Spadone just happens to be performing in Montreal this weekend. Here is Frank Spadone's comedic song Drinki Da Wine.

Drinki Da Wine

Frank Spadone | Myspace Video

Frank Spadone

I've Got a Boner

I was going to call this post 'Things I don't say anymore', but, 'I've got a boner' has a better ring to it. As for the reason I don't say it any more, it is not because I don't have one. I mean to say it's not that I have one at the moment. I probably just don't talk about it as much.
But just like boners, expressions come and go. The terms we use also change, many are influenced by pop culture and the latest TV shows. The 50s term 'cool' was replaced in the seventies by 'keen'. Along came Happy Days and back came 'cool'. It's never really gone away since. The 80s brought 'gnarly', and some of the 'douches' I worked with in the late 80s and went to college with in the 90s used the word 'dandy' for the same thing. The term 'douche' only became more popular in the last couple years. I find it the perfect expression for the fool that tries too hard to be 'cool'. When did 'rad' come along?

I scoured my brain and then asked some friends for some suggestions

-Airhead replaced the less popular space cadet
-Barf Me Out - Were you a Valley Girl? Never a term I used. Perhaps the poor cousin of "Gross".
-Big Time - I used this for a while, big time.
-Bite me - Later became 'Eat me'. Eat me was the better term because not only could it be a response to an offending question, not only an insult, but also a slightly humorous, slightly flirtatious comment to be made at inappropriate times. Trust me, I have made plenty of inappropriate comments at inappropriate times.
-Bubba - replaceable with "man", as in "Hey man" or "Hey bubba". This came out of the late 90s TV series Nash Bridges. I used it from time to time and the expression caught on just as much as the TV show. That's to say, not a whole lot. A colleague of mine had a man crush on me and overheard me using it. Ten years later he still calls me bubba.
-Sup - As in 'What is Up?', or 'How are you?'
-As if! - Popularized by Alicia Silverstone in Clueless.
-Don't go there! - One of the most overused expressions. So, please, don't go there.
-Dude - Another 80s term that resurfaced. Use it as a noun or as an exclamation. 'Hey dude'. Or, 'Dude!'.
-TMI - Too much information.
-What a Fag - I swear, I haven't called anyone a fag since I was in grade three. 
-Doy - A bastardization of 'Duh'. The sarcastic 'No Shit'.
- Keep it wet - No clue how this started, or what the hell it means.
-Woof - See previous
There are more out there, great expressions and insults to really pwn someone. Damn! I can't think of any more.

Happy Birthday and Welcome

As we approach the first anniversary of the launch of stubbornfool.com I got to thinking of how to take the site to the next level. In doing so, I looked back at the last year and what drove people to the site in the first place. I figured the best places to start were Google Analytics and Blogger Stats. Both provide similar resources for tracking visitors.

I launched Stubborn Fool in February of 2010 with a few ideas but no real plan. I had dreams of this site erupting on the blogosphere. I imagined my brilliant posts going viral. At best perhaps, they have gone bacterial. I have a select few "old" friends that visit the site. I have a number of "blog" friends that are regular visitors. I wanted to know about the semi-regular and random guests. What brought my new readers, my occasional readers and random viewers to Stubborn Fool? I thought of presenting my favourite posts but did not have the patience to read everything I wrote. Some of my personal favourites are posts with random thoughts strung together.

The first thing that I looked at was which sites drew the most people to Stubborn Fool. It turns out it was Google. From there I was hoping to find some odd or funny search terms. But this was not exactly the case. I should probably improve my SEO. I did get the few people looking for sex or sex related items, and they ended up here mostly because of my post called My Friend Andy Had Sex.

I then spent several days studying the search terms that brought my most welcomed guests to my site. I dumped all the results into Excel and started plugging in my formulas. Part of my job involves analytics and Excel so this was right up my alley.

I have had two posts that have brought a huge number of visitors, relatively speaking. I will get to those in a moment as they weren't the largest search term entries according to Blogger Stats. The most commonly searched item that drove people to my site? 'Best Looking Man' or some variation of this. I have to think that many people were disappointed with their end results. Unless of course they were fans of Kids in the Hall or have a sense of humour. Watch that video and tell me that isn't the best strutting you have ever seen.

The next most commonly searched item was 'What should I eat for supper'. I had a lot of hits but the only comments were from Cardiogirl. Thanks to her comments, I had a several additional hits from people searching for Humphrey Bogart, Pork chops and Applesauce, W.C. Fields and James Cagney.

The next big item was my run down of the top upbeat breakup songs. I found over twenty and had to split the post in two. Springsteen, Paul Simon, Gloria Gaynor and Frank Black.

Next on the list, garnering 8% of the Google search terms was The Top 60 Ghetto Names or Top 60 Jewish Ghetto Names. I still chuckle when I watch the video.

One of my favourite writers of all time is Raymond E Feist, a fantasy author with over 25 published titles, of which I have read every single one. Feist was next on the list with 7% of the total search items. Feist shared this feat with his last book titled At the Gates of Darkness. Feist had a knack for political intrigue while staying true to the fantasy genre. His world of Midkemia was probably the most detailed and descriptive since Tolkien. Alas, Feist has not been as strong in his later works, but at this point, I am so addicted, I will have to read his final three novels as he wraps up the series. The next one, A Kingdom Besieged, is due for release in March 2011.

How many people searched for my email address in the last year? Enough to make it to the top 10. A whole bunch of people were looking for my contact information. Kind of creepy.

I was surprised to find the movie Inception so low on the list at number eight just because my post about the film is my second most viewed. It is hardly a typical film review but I had fun writing it.

Zombies are big. They are better than most other monsters. The only monsters that are better are those vampires in the early Anne Rice chronicles. I wrote a bit about the amazing new TV series, The Walking Dead. But what had more hits was my review of the online game Road of the Dead. It's a pretty cool driving game where you get to run over Zombies. Yes, just like a Monday morning drive to work.

Another one of my favourite authors sits at number nine on the list of most searched items. Jean Auel, the less then prolific writer of Clan of the Cave Bear is set to release her first novel in nine years. Auel's writing is captivating in its descriptive nature. The reason for the delay between releases is largely due to the amount of research she puts into her novels. Land of Painted Caves is due for a March 2011 worldwide release.

Rounding out the top ten of most searched items that drew readers to my site is Red Dawn. The 1984 film was a success in the box office and its long delayed remake will finally be released in 2011.

The post with the most hits doesn't even make it into the top 20 of Google searches. The Expendables was a wild movie, mostly for the action stars that made an appearance.
Most of the remaining search terms were related to videos I posted, the Batman fan film and music or film reviews. Quite a few were interested in my home projects and my bathroom stories.
Google Analytics and Blogger stats continue to be great resources for understanding your readers. With their help in the coming days, I plan on taking a look at where my readers live, from whence they come and how else they ended up on my site. All visitors and comments are welcome.