Is Golf Stupid?

Golf Ball

Golf is stupid. No, wait, don't get upset. Hear me out. At least wait until I've explained. Golf takes four hours to play. It takes five years to learn. It takes thirty years to master. I played 18 holes on Friday and it felt like 18 days. There is a reason for this. I hadn't played in fifteen years.

Whether on TV or on the course, golf never called to me. As a kid I played hockey, football and baseball. I ran track. I played point guard for my high school senior basketball team. I joined a swim team and a cycling team. And then as an adult took up boxing. Somewhere in there I tried golf a few times.

My early introduction to the sport of golf involved two of my foursome throwing their clubs and calling everybody names just because they missed their shots or shanked a ball. For some reason I didn't want to play again. Also, I've always played sports - golf didn't come to me fast enough.

18 holes? Isn't that a bit much? Who wants to walk around a grass field for four hours hitting a ball with a stick? There's a reason hockey and baseball take less than two and a half hours. And football three. That is my maximum attention span.

The first time I played golf, I was on the green and used the club with the big P on it.

"Why? What's wrong?" I asked, "P stands for putter. Doesn't it?"

Call me Tiger Wood-Not

Can Facebook save the Expos?

The answer of course, is no. Facebook cannot save the Expos. That horse left the barn carrying David Samson and Jeffrey Loria some years back. They're gone. Kaput. Defunct. Pining for the fjords, as it were. Montreal ain't getting no MLB team back in the city any time soon.

All that said, a Facebook page is doing its darnedest to keep the memories alive and in technicolour for any and all remaining fans of the team to view.

The page at https://www.facebook.com/ExposNation has a massive (well, for a dead team, at least) fan base of more than 122,000 people and has been posting vintage photos, videos, mash-ups in a balls-put attempt to keep The Expos in the hive-mind of social networking's public consciousness.

Go. Have a look. If you're an Expos fan or a baseball fan in general, some of the imagery is just priceless.

The site is well-constructed, funny, sentimental and even elicits an occasional tear from we die-hard fans of the lost Canadian baseball team (may Bill Lee appear in Bud Selig's dreams as a cross-dressing crack-whore intent on pitching fastballs of hellfire at his nuts for eternity for this travesty!).

Let's all remember the following: Montreal is where Jackie Robinson played before being called up into the majors. Montreal is where Pete Rose was playing when he collected his 4000th hit (yeah, he was way past his prime and in the throes of his whole gambling scandal, but still). Montreal was the first MLB expansion city outside the U.S. Montreal is where "El Presidente" became just the 13th pitcher in baseball history to record a perfect game.

Ah, the memories.

And on a bit of a tangent, but still on Montreal sporting clubs… WTF with the Habs this year?!?! Thoughts/rants/recipes welcome.

FOOTBALL!

There are three things most associated with Thanksgiving. Turkey, beer and FOOTBALL! Oh, and family, and being thankful, yada yada, yada. But today was football day in Montreal and I was right there in the thick of things at McGill's majestic Molson Stadium to watch the Canadian Football League's Montreal Alouettes hand it to the Toronto Argonauts. Today marked an historic moment. Not only did Montreal's starting quarterback Anthony Calvillo lead the Alouettes past Toronto 29-19, Calvillo also became the all-time leading passer in professional football history.

I am not talking about a Canadian record, I am talking about a professional football record. Calvillo passed all the pro-ballers that came before him and moved to first on the list.
The Top 5 are
5 - Dan Marino - (NFL) 61,134 yards
4 - Warren Moon - (CFL/NFL) 70,553
3 - Brett Favre - (NFL) 71,838
2 - Damon Allen - (CFL) 72,381
1 - Anthony Calvillo - (CFL) 72,384+

The next active QB on the list is Peyton Manning, who is approaching 60,000 yards. Just before the start of the 4th quarter CFL Commissioner Mark Cohon and Damon Allen were on hand to congratulate Calvillo in person. Over the giant screens, videos of Dan Marino, Warren Moon, and broadcaster Chris Berman played, congratulating Calvillo on this feat.

The Als take to the field

It was an amazing day for football in Montreal. Sunshine and 24 degrees, well above the average temperature for this time of year. Hell, it often starts snowing by the end of October. My friend Elena won tickets and invited me to the game. She knows I have a blog and as far as I know doesn't read it so I have some latitude here in what I write. I'll expand more on her driving habits another day, I'll leave it for now by saying, I drove today because she scares me when she drives.

She has never watched am North American style football game before so I spent most of the game explaining what was going on. I was tempted to explain things wrong but didn't. (Eight quarters, 6 hour game, cheerleaders double as special teams).

So, the Montreal Alouettes won, Toronto Argonauts lose, Calvillo breaks a record, it's Thanksgiving, I'm drinking beer, and I will now go eat some turkey. Happy Thanksgiving!

The Als and Argos lining up

The Devolution of Sports Radio

So there I was, sitting trapped in my car - again - in merciless Toronto rush-hour traffic. All I wanted to do to take my mind off the real world was hear some insightful, informed, provocative sports talk radio.


And in Toronto, that typically means tuning into The Fan 590 during the drive home show with legendary host Bob McCowan. So I tuned in, as I normally do. But he was on a jag about golf, and I just ain't no golf fan. Frustrated, I remembered that Toronto now has two dedicated all-sports talk radio channels. The second is the recently launched TSN 1050. It's being marketed with the tagline: "The Evolution of Sports Radio." Now, I'd heard some bits and pieces of 1050's drive home show hosted by James Cybulski (the show is called "Cybulski and Company". The "company" part is comprised of ex-TV host Gareth Wheeler, who also produces the show) off and on over the summer and just felt "meh" about it. And I should mention that every time I had tuned into 1050, for whatever length of time it was, inevitably the hosts were talking equal amounts of sports and film. And not sports-related movie trivia or some such thing. Nope. Just films the guys liked or actors in films. But I didn't think much of it, guessing they were trying to find some sort of groove and had fallen back on their outside interests in film. They're both pros, so it'll get better.


Well, it seems the 4p.m. drive slot on 1050 in Toronto has gone even further down the path of the cinephile. 


Now let me make clear one thing, I think Cybulski and Wheeler could be great on-air hosts. But what I heard blew my mind. While McCowan was busy interviewing and speaking about some major golf happening, James and Gareth were pontificating on the merits of some obscure film that had nothing to do with sports. And they wouldn't let it go. Seriously, the conversation went on for like 10 minutes. Anyone wanting to hear some sporting news was not getting it from these guys. Again, no disrespect to their broadcasting abilities, but the dudes were just waaaaaay off base with content. 


That was day one of the week. Monday. I decided to test my theory: that Cybulski and Co. were sorely lacking in sports topics and were using a safety net of pop culture discussion to get by and fill time when they had no real guests or sports news to report. And on it went. Tuesday - movies. Wednesday - TV stuff. Thursday - sports movies (OK, this one gets back to the realm of sports... but still!!) and Friday... well, I missed Friday because I left work early.


All told, I'm still a Fan 590, um, fan. 


Word to the wise to the TSN 1050 drive slot folks - start lining up more sports personalities and guests. Drop the pop culture conversations by about 50% and evolve into an actual sports radio show. Because as it stands, in my opinion, you guys are dropping the proverbial ball. 

TSN Montreal, TSN Winnipeg

Fan 590

Overzealous Censorship - When a Cock Isn't Really a Cock

The boys over at Hockey Trade Rumors are doing a real fine job. I visit the site every so often to check out the latest rumours from the hockey world. I hate the pop up adds and the team lineups are not up to date but, the site is updated regularly for content by the hosts and the contributors. Leading up to free agent frenzy or the trade deadline you may find some news of worth. The site's automated censor though, is just a bit overzealous. The headline that should read "Devils Haven't Contacted Hitchcock About Coaching Job" is, well, cock free. Ken Hitchcock's name has been censored by an automated and stupid censor gun. Censorship gone wild. I posted the screenshot just in case they decide to update the site. I couldn't find a search box so I am wondering what happened to Cory Pecker and Bill Quackenbush.  

Hockey Trade Rumors 

The Bigger They Are The Harder They'll Fall

Too tired to rant and rave on the fiasco that is the NHL I begged a pleaded for assistance. And lo, a hero comes. Guest blogger and all round swell guy Joe Bunga to the rescue. My personal take is that since the NHL did not punish Zdeno Chara for his hit on Max Pacioretty, the Canadiens must exact revenge. Here is Bunga's take.

Cheap-Shot Chara by Joe Bunga

Chara

Look, in interviews after the game, Chara said he didn't mean to rub Pacioretty out like an eraser on the end of a lead pencil. However, the not-so-gentle giant made an excuse that Max "jumped" up and therefore insinuated that it was the victim's fault that he smashed noggin' first into the stanchion. Really Zdeno? REALLY?! Hey, tall goon ass, it's that type of "check" that gives hockey a bad name. Forget for the moment that it wasn't a clear "headshot", forget that you didn't try to hipcheck him or just skate with him (and on that note, the puck was nowhere in play, hence the interference penalty... so what the fuck were you doing lining him up for a massive hit along the boards anyway, you big putz?) no, instead you directed him oh-so-gently into a wall. Oh, and if you're going to sit there and tell me from your gigantic head that you didn't know where you were on the ice when you hit Max, then I bet you also believe that the Easter Bunny farts monkeys out of its butt and that Santa Claus is really Muslim.

Y'know, it's cement heads like you that are killing the game. How many parents do you think want to let their kids watch crap like that, let alone consider letting them play competitively knowing their offspring have a good chance of losing a vertebrae or two because some behemoth troll decides it makes sense to play like an idiot?

And to the league officials who decided that neither fine nor suspension were merited for this normal "hockey play", I have one finger for you. it's just a couple down from my pinky. Morons.

Dancing Fool : The Boxing Fool

A friend sent me this video via my Facebook profile. As a former boxer and a huge fan of the sport I could never stand the showboating athlete. Whether it is in the ring, the arena or on the gridiron, my philosophy has been, go in, do what you have to do and get out. Sports are about efficiency and economy of movement. When an announcer describes an athlete as 'catlike', it is not because they scratch, it is because the cat, graceful, uses the least amount of energy to fulfill its goal.



To set up the video, Usman Ahmed is a boxer fighting out of Dernyshire, United Kingdom. He stands at 5'6" and fights in the 110 to 112 pound range, so therefore a Flyweight. The 29 year old right hander Ahmed has a record of 6-4-1, with one loss coming by KO. He also likes to dance. He doesn't dance well. His defence is also a little weak.
Ahmed's opponent in the video is the 5'5 1/2" Ashley Sexton, a 9-0 boxer, with 5 KO victories. At 23 years and 9 fights, it is hard to predict his future in the ring as he has been mostly a regional fighter with his bouts taking place in the Essex and London regions.



Since the above video was edited for impact and humour, I also have the full length fight as it played out in real time, minus most of the dancing.

If I mentioned that Ahmed is ranked 222nd worldwide, would you be surprised? Are you surprised that there are some 300 boxers ranked below him? Perhaps dancing does count for something.

NFL 2010 Preview

You may have read ESPN, Sports Illustrated, Pro Football Weekly, TSN and every other network's preview of the NFL season. But you didn't read The Onion 2010 NFL Team by Team Guide. My team, the Cowboys are 0-2. The Onion is bang on

The Onion's NFL Team-By-Team Guide is here.

Football and Other Profanity

I'm watching the home town Montreal Alouettes squad take on Toronto Argonauts in CFL action on TSN. On a second down drive, Montreal running back Avon Colbourne takes a hand off from quarterback Anthony Calvillo and breaks through the Argos defence. Did I hear correctly? Did the colour commentator comment colourfully? He said "Holy shit".

But that's not all. As they tend to do in all sporting events, TSN showed a replay not a few seconds later. With audio.

"Holy shit."

Thirty seconds later, as they tend to do in sports programming, a replay of the last scoring drive was shown.

"Holy shit."

I don't usually post on the fly but I thought this was worth mentioning. I wish I had a PVR. I probably got the plays wrong. But it doesn't matter. Ha ha. Montreal is winning 41-10.

Anthony Calvillo

World Cup Aftermath - The Letdown of Terrible Sports Programming

Talk about a letdown after the World Cup... I was eating my lunch in the kitchen at work yesterday watching Television. (I brought a tuna sandwich in case you were wondering. Tuna with onion, mustard, mayo, and lettuce in a pita). I forgot my newspaper at home so I was stuck in front of the tube. One of the national sports networks (RDS) was trying to fill their empty programming schedule with a show that consisted of killing things with guns. They took a commercial break and then came back with ten more minutes of birds falling from the sky.

Granted, it was a hunting show but oddly enough, there was very little commentary, only animals dying. It reminded me of America's Funniest Home Videos, without the bad jokes.

Amazingly enough I sat there and watched.

I work in a office of about 100 people and there were about twenty others in the kitchen at the time. None of the other office drones changed the channel. I suppose I was too spellbound, or in too much shock to get up and change the channel.

I cannot say that today's show was much better. The featured programming was Table Tennis. Fancy name Table Tennis. Ping Pong for the uncouth.

It's a sports channel. I should call and tell them that anything played on a table is not a sport. Poker, Chess, Billiards - not sports. Games, all of them. I love shooting pool and I enjoy the occasional game of poker. I know pool is often referred to as a table sport. Doesn't matter. 

Pool = Game. 

Ping Pong= Game.

Ping Pong or Table Tennis?

I'm still stuck on the table thing though. If you call table tennis a sport, than synchronized swimming would be considered a sport (OK that's a bit of a leap).

How can something be called a sport just because two people are doing it at the same time? Reminds me of simultaneous orgasms. Which of course are more challenging and harder to complete. Now that is a sport. And, funny enough, you can do it on a table.

I can do that