I Have A Question

I have a few questions about toilet paper. Who designs toilet paper? What are those development meetings like? Are the ridges on toilet paper engineered for maximum cleaning ability or is it merely there for aesthetics?

"I like ridges."

"Bumps are more efficient."

"Smooth and soft paper protects sensitive tushies."

I did not do any research. I do not actually want to know. I prefer the uninformed guess work.

Do the researchers take their work home with them?

"Kids, we are trying something new for the next few days. Single-ply. So ease up on the fruit."

Or, is all the work done on the job? I am now trying to imagine what the cubicles look like. A desk, telephone, computer, a toilet. Maybe a sink to wash up. Oh, and some magazines. Magazines such as Home Decor, Rolling Stone or Sports Illustrated. And some lilac air freshener.

Why hasn't Swiffer entered into the toilet paper market? They already have the disposable single use dusters and floor cleaners. What I am suggesting is a combination of the two. Perhaps some R and D into the micro-fibre angle for a soft comfortable clean to your bottom.

Restroom? More like Work Room

Using the public restroom takes some preparation. The word restroom is perhaps a misnomer as there is little rest with all the necessary preparation. The first step requires you to ensure the stall door is properly locked behind you - we must avoid the door swinging open whilst the jeans are around the knees.

Next, you must carefully lower the toilet seat with your shoe. For, should your hand come in direct contact with the seat you may acquire a full blown case of the cooties.

Next, grab a wad of toilet paper to wipe the seat - as the previous user may have missed the hole and wet the surface. As the saying goes, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. I say it counts for the guy who keeps missing the bowl and pisses on the toilet seat.

After carefully wiping the throne, discard the moist wad in the bowl. The wad of paper may not cover the entire surface area of the water. And this is important, if the entire surface is not covered when you start your business, and things do fall, an unwanted splash may be the result. Picture for example, jumping off the high diving board in cannon ball fashion and the invariable splash that ensues. Now picture this, albeit on a smaller scale, with the toilet water splashing your bumbum.

Next is the toilet seat, protect your sensitive bottom from the heavily used public seat by placing a toilet seat cover on the seat. If not available, doubling up some toilet paper will also do the trick. Next, it is on to your business. Hope you brought some good reading material! I recommend light reading, perhaps short stories by Jeffrey Archer or the latest issues of The Walking Dead. Or if more time is required, a Stephen King novel such as The Stand or The Dome. Happy flushing! Don't forget to wash up!

Save Money By Going To Work

I had an idea on saving money for a long while and when I saw this article on Yahoo Finance I had to put it in words. The Yahoo article talks about saving money at home. Make your own lunch, save a mortgage payment. Do you want to know how to save money? I am going to tell you how to save money on the job.

Over the years I have accumulated a multitude of hours sitting in the bathroom stall at work. During this time I realized that I am saving money on toilet paper. Every time I use the facilities at work, ten or eleven squares of toilet paper are left unused at home.

I purchased a package of 12 rolls of toilet paper at the IGA grocery store for $10.99 CAD. Not the best price but sometimes you do not have the luxury of time for shopping around for the best deals.

According to my calculations, at $10.99 the rolls are 91 cents each. Each roll contains 300 sheets. Each sheet is 0.003053 cents. Let us assume that in a regular sitting I use ten sheets. Ten sheets come to 0.0305 cents. Five working days during the week, we are looking at 0.15 cents. I work 47 weeks during the year, 47 multiplied by 0.15 cents gives us 7.17 cents.

During the course of the year I save 7.17 cents. Not bad. And that doesn't even calculate the days I have diarrhea! Tomorrow we will take a look at all the money I am saving on soap.