Toilet Humour?

Why do people insist on not flushing? It’s a shocking and disturbing sight for which you are never ready. I do not need to know if you eat corn or enjoy spaghetti sauce. Using a public bathroom should be a simple task.

Squeeze – Wipe – Get Up – Flush. Or,
Aim – Shake – Flush.

Something else I must insist on. Do not try to shake my hand in the bathroom. Do not try before, during, or after. It is a bathroom, a place of privacy and pee.

Do not punch fists, and no chest bumps. You know what? Do not even talk to me. I do not believe in urinal talk. This is not the water cooler.

The usual personal space rule, although limited by bathroom area, increases tenfold when you are trying to urinate.

If you talk to me I will forced to make awkward jokes. You don’t believe me? Here is, word for word, a reenactment of a recent event at the urinal.

“Hey Ohara what’s new?”

“Not much,” I replied. “Just hanging out.”

Some things are better left unsaid. Maybe unread.

Yesterday, I was in the middle of a conversation with my boss when he decided to make a stop to take a leak. I had no choice; I had to follow him in.

He’s at the urinal; I am standing in middle of the bathroom floor. Do I look in the mirror? At the ceiling? Stare at his back? Okay, I will make eye contact. Oh no, too much eye contact. I make my excuses and wait in the hall.

Still don’t think urinal conversation is awkward?

Reenactment number B.

“How are you Ohara?”

“I’m fine but this porcelain sure is cold.”

The other day I was sitting in the stall catching up on my reading when the fellow, one stall over STANDS UP to wipe. When did this become the procedure? Why wasn’t I copied on the email?

Or better yet, how old are you? Four? Is this an exotic custom you picked up in travels to far away lands? Does he not understand the risk of collateral damage?! There is such thing as gravity. Things fall. Unless you have completely disrobed and laid newspaper across the floor you are putting us all at risk.

Is it normal to talk on the phone in the bathroom? Don’t you care what the person on the other end thinks of you? That little mic in your phone picks up a lot of noise and sound effects.
Still don’t care? Do you know that I try to make as much noise as possible when I know you are on the phone? I flush the toilet an extra time or two. I run the hand dryer longer. I try to fart louder.

Do you look at it before you flush? Well, I don't as a rule. I do not go out of my way. Do you care how big it is? If you look can you look one more time to make sure you flushed?