Kids

My wife and I have nine nieces and nephews. And counting, I suppose. Four of them belong to my brother. Interestingly, among my friends the average hovers between 2 and 3 kids per household.
One of my cousins has five kids. A small army.

My wife and I have talked and agreed and we will be happy with one happy and healthy child. She wants a little girl. I want twins.

Either way, at least one happy and healthy child.

While many of my family and friends have multiple children I just want one happy, healthy, very large child. A giant child, so that no matter how many kids any other family and friends might have, my giant child will be able to beat them up.

One giant child

What Do I call My In-Laws?

Dear Old Dad

What do you call your in-laws? Let's say I already have a Ma and a Pa, or a Mom and a Dad, and I am not all too comfortable calling anyone else by the same moniker. Let's say the in-laws are the old fashioned types. Let's say they are not all that comfortable with my using their first name and think it too cold if I call them Mister and Missus. What is the alternative?

For example, Mother Ohara is too old fashioned. Father John? Too religious sounding. And not very Jewish. What about padre? Eema? Père? Auntie? Sire? Duchess? Capo? Colonel? оте́ц?

Should they be insulted if I don't call them Mum and Dad?

"Surely son," my future father-in-law may say, "You must feel close enough to us by now?"

Mama

And I might reply, "Yes. Yes, I do. And don't call me Shirley."

While pondering through this dilemma of titles, I started wondering why only the military, doctors, and members of the clergy are regularly referred to by their proper titles. You can include royalty in the above list but since I do not know too many blue bloods, I will move on for now.

A title is an honorific. But what about other professions? Why not Postman Jones? Television Repairman Davidson?

"Hi my name is Collection Agent Jorge."

"Very nice to meet you, I am Ballerina Tom."

Dearly Departed

Gate of Honour

My aunt was laid to rest the other day. She lived a full and long life of 86 years. She now lies next to my uncle, her husband, whose death preceded hers by two years. My aunt and uncle are buried at the Field of Honour, a cemetery dedicated to Canadian military personnel who served in the 1st and 2nd World Wars.

Following my uncle's discharge from the Canadian Army after the Second World War, the two of them married and lived in Montreal for 25 years before moving to Florida. My uncle Mac was a tough guy. Not a big guy, just real tough. As a teen he was a lifeguard and took up boxing. Boxing came in handy once he joined the military, both in the ring and in the barracks. After the war my uncle drove a cab and worked as a bodyguard. In the early 70s the two of them settled in Florida and took on perhaps an easier life working in retail, managing a number of stores. They spent the rest of their working years in the United States, having worked in every state. They moved back to Montreal to enjoy their last few years closer to family. I've been told that in many ways I take after Mac. I've also been told that I take after my late Uncle Lyle, Mac's best friend who was killed in action in the 2nd world war. Lyle was the writer, Mac the fighter. 

Lawrence Tierney as Joe Cabot

Funerals are just like reunions. I have never been close with that side of my family as all my cousins are much older than I, 10 to 25 years my senior. I saw a lot of people I haven't seen in a long time. My other uncle, Harry was there too. I don't know Harry as well since he married into the family in more recent years. I know enough to recognize him as another tough guy. A WWII vet, Harry fought overseas with the U.S. Military. Harry was telling a story in his deep gravel voice and it suddenly struck me. Harry looks and sounds just like Lawrence Tierney. You probably remember Tierney from Seinfeld, he played Elaine's dad. If not, I am sure you remember him as Joe Cabot from Reservoir Dogs. 

I saw one cousin for the first time in 20 years. The last time I saw her was when my grandfather died. She is my 2nd cousin. Her mother is a psychotic bitch. And that's not just my opinion. It is a well known fact. The Britannica Encyclopaedia has an article about her. The newspapers all know. It is a fact.

Anyway, sitting in the family room at the funeral home, my aunt re-introduced us. We chatted, we reminisced. She asked, "How are we connected again?" We aren't first cousins are we?" 
"No", I replied, "we are second cousins; your mom is my 1st cousin".

Pause. 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1.

"So, Shawn", she said, "You should give me your number. We should meet for coffee sometime."

Did my cousin just ask me out? At our aunt's funeral? She just hit on me!

She is a very pretty lady and about ten years younger than me. She is my cousin. What the hell?! I mean that's just creepy. Wherever I go, someone wants to set me up with their friends, their daughters, their cousins. I have two rules though; Don't try to set me up at a funeral. And two, I don't date family.

I Phoned The Zoo But The Lion Was Busy

It was my sister-in-law's birthday yesterday. As the good brother-in-law I called to wish her a happy birthday. I called the house - they had already left for dinner. So, I called her cell phone. I dialled 514-555-5555 and a man with an East European type accent answered. My brother screwing around.
"Hey idiot," I said, "put your wife on the phone."
"Who ees dis?" The voice replied.
"Quit screwing around, I have to go, I want to wish her a happy birthday."
"Whoareyew, why areyew calling?"
Hmm... I think I got the wrong number. That's why I always send emails.

Wrong Number

Another Typical Mother's Day

It was another typical Mother's day and it went something like this...

Everybody: "Happy Mother's Day Mom!", Happy Mother's Day Granny!"
Mother:   "Giggle, tee hee. Oh! You shouldn't have."
Shawn:  "Happy Mother's Day. We love you. You are a good mother."
Shawn turns to father and says,  "And Dad, you're one baaad mutha."

Brother laughs. Women roll their eyes. Mother tsks in disapproval. Father smacks me.

Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day! What do you do for Mother's Day? In my family the whole gang usually gathers at a restaurant or at someones house. This year it's going to be different. If you read my last post you wouldn't be surprised to know that this Mother's Day will be spent packing up my parents stuff for the purpose of getting them ready for their big move.

Whatever the plans, a card is essential. I went to the local pharmacy to search their selection and was utterly disappointed. It is not that they didn't have a large selection. Far from it, there were hundreds of cards. Just none that I liked. I do not like giving cards with flowery verses. I like funny cards. The problem is there are not many funny Mother's Day cards. I am guessing it's because most people don't consider funny Mother's day cards appropriate.

I don't want the card to say "You are the best mother and best friend". I do not want the card to say "I'm thankful to be the one who gets to call her mother". I want the card to say, "Happy Mother's Day, Fondly, Shawn" or, "Thanks for dinner".

Don't get me wrong, I love my Mom. On Mother's Day I will wish her well and tell her I love her. I just don't want to commit to anything in writing. If you are looking for that special card and can't find it check out Bald Guy Greetings. They have some of the funniest cards you can ever find. 

Life Changing Moments

Me & my parents when I was a Cartoon

Great news! My parents are moving in with me! Well, sort of. There are certain life changing moments in anyone's life. My Dad is in his 70s and still working. He expects to retire within the year. In the same year that they are celebrating their 50th anniversary my parents sold the only house they have ever owned and purchased a condominium five floors down from me. They are moving downstairs. My parents will be my neighbours.

I might bump into my parents on my way to work in the morning. I might bump into my parents as I stumble home drunk. I might bump into my parents at the end of a date night and have to introduce them to my girlfriend. I may bump into my parents a week later and have to introduce them to another girlfriend.

My parents are nice people. You would like them. But I would prefer if they lived five blocks away instead of five floors away. They did say that they will not intrude on my privacy. They said that I am welcome at their place at any time but, they will always call me before they knock on my door. I told them I appreciate that and, while I had misgivings at first, in my mind I have adjusted and welcome their move. And, any time they want to come visit me, all they have to do is go to the front desk and ask the security guard to ring me up.

Sometimes Trying Isn't Good Enough

Sunday was the big family outing. My brother's son and daughter performed in their school play this weekend. They are 8 and 7 years old. It is a big musical production at their school, 40 kids and 10 or so parents. Even my brother was in it, acting and singing and even dancing. He is the musical one in the family. Notice I didn't say talented one, just the musical one. I am almost too excited to finish typing this because I cant wait to send him the update to read my blog.
Perhaps it is not fair to compare the kids to Shakespeare in the Park but I cannot help but to judge this elementary school performance and compare it to any number of shows I have seen. Not that I have seen too many musicals but, I compare the performances to any adult performance and, to tell you the truth these eight year olds need more seasoning.
Let's put things in perspective. If an eight year old serves you lunch and it tastes terrible, you do not say, 'Oh, okay, they are kids, it's not supposed to taste like real food.' You think, this sucks, and you say , 'Thank you very much for the eggs, but next time you should use less blue crayon.'
You can watch the stage play of Les Miserables and be terribly impressed. And then watch some kids sing Master of the House, recognizing that they are kids say wow, that's so nice. But really, they suck.

The kids show was awesome - for kids. They put in a lot of work. The staff that trained and coached them were also great. I am impressed with anyone who can get up in front of an audience and perform. That being said, if I were to rank talent it would go like this, from worst to best, four being the worst, one being the best.

4 Nickelback
3 Static
2 A group of 7 year old children
1 Adults

Listen kid, you're no Robert DeNiro. But you may be a Chris Makepeace.

Not the actual show but what I imagine it would be like if it were good.

Throwing Out My Childhood

I think I was disowned. Or maybe it was not personal and I merely lost claim to my possessions after fifteen years of storage. Here, let me tell you what happened. I went to visit my parents this week. They are nice people. You would like them. My parents are alone in a large house and the stairs are getting more and more of a challenge for them. They have been talking about moving out of my childhood homestead for a few years. 

Think about it. Moving after living in the same place for 47 years is a huge challenge. Heck, moving is a challenge in itself. I was in my last place for four years and it took a couple months to pack everything up. It took me a year to unpack.

47 years of accumulated stuff. Forget about packing, the clean-up is an enormous task. But, my parents finally took the plunge and started the clean-up. They started with my stuff.

In a big box labelled as garbage lay not an inconsiderable amount of my childhood memories. Toys, games, books. 

Phil and Tony Esposito Action Hockey Game

A little musty, a little dusty, but it's my stuff. It took me a of couple hours to go through my garbage. But, it has been saved.

Now they didn't say, there is Ohara's stuff, let's throw it out. It was more like, see that dusty stuff, let's throw it out without looking at what's inside.

Amazingly enough, they have tons of their own things to go through. I don't think they know what is in the bottom of their hall closet. Or pantry. Or pockets.

How does this work? Do I lose claim to my possessions after a number of years? I suppose squatter's right won't apply as we aren't talking about land or a building. What is the statute of limitations for claiming your belongings from your parents? I am trying to remember from my studies how this applies but I do not believe this was ever addressed in any Law and Order episode.

Am I supposed to be notified by the Department of Unclaimed Properties and Effects (D.U.P.E)?

As I mentioned my parents are nice people. You would like them. Mostly because they didn't try to throw out your stuff.