An Open Letter To My Colleagues

An open letter to my colleagues. 

Anyone can pee on the toilet seat. That doesn't mean you should. Sir, if your aim is that bad why don't you sit down?

We already established in 1863 that filing your nails in the office was not professional. And clipping nails? Every few seconds we hear click click click, click click click. Not to mention the nail shrapnel landing on my desk.

Eating Fish is a healthy way of adding balance to your diet.  Smelly fish? Please warn us so we may evacuate the kitchen.

Office Etiquette

We all fart - but you have a problem. Please see your doctor.

And by the way, cologne smells nice. Too much cologne is worse than fart. 

And don't complain to me about your colleague until you look at yourself in the mirror.

This isn't about whether you should or shouldn't smoke.This is about not stinking up the office after you do smoke. Please wear a smoking jacket.

Also, your aggressive support of your favourite sports team is more suited to a sixteen year old. Additionally, your violent hate for your home team makes you a traitor. 

Back to bathrooms, please flush after. If you have food poisoning, I am really sorry. Flush during. 

Flossing your teeth is a sign of good hygiene. Flossing your teeth at your desk is a sign of poor hygiene.

You may talk to me but you must stay at least one step away from me. Any closer and you invade my personal space. If we are in the men's room, the minimum distance grows to six feet.

If you come up to me in the office and greet me with a hearty slap on the back I will make a joke and get back to work.  If you greet me in the bathroom with a hearty slap on the back, as soon as my pants dry, we are going to have issues.

These Numbers Are F*cked

Inigo

My boss called me over the other day.

"Shawn," he said, " Can you help me out?"

"Sure!" I replied.

"Shawn," my boss continued, "Tell me if these numbers look right to you. If they are good, I will finish copulating the data."

Buy A Vowel

I had a recent email exchange with some business partners. I cracked myself up. You may have heard of the adage, 'know your audience'. My audience is me. I make myself laugh all the time. I write this blog for me. I just hope there are more people like me out there. The email exchange went something like this.

George: "Shawn, Thank you for the information. It was terrific news to receive. The team appreciated it all the more at month end and prior to the weekend. I was wandering if you had last minute Easter hour instructions to share? We are off on Good Friday and Saturday but working Monday."

Douglas: "Shawn, George tends to be 'wandering' when he's 'wondering'! lol"

Shawn: "My ex said I had a wandering eye. I corrected her and told her it was only wondering."

Perhaps this line will become a well known adage as well.

Another Crappy Story

I just want to take a dump in peace and privacy. Since I live alone, if I am home alone, I can keep the bathroom door open when I use the facilities. I repeat, if I am home alone, not when I have guests over. I have other ways to entertain guests.

Bathroom Privacy

From one bathroom I have a clear view of the TV set so I never have to miss a play when the hockey game is on. Except of course when I have guests over.

At work I expect more privacy. The stall door remains closed as should the bathroom door. Some people are unclear on this concept. And here is the rest of the story.

One Wednesday afternoon, while I was sitting on my throne of solitude - the far stall to the right - in walks the maintenance lady charged with cleaning the bathroom. Either singing or talking on the phone, the cleaner is there like broken clockwork somewhere between 1PM and 4PM.

Unable to perform with the pressure of someone close by, and the door wide open, I exited the stall and suggested to her that a certain amount of privacy is expected. I asked that if she insisted on cleaning the bathrooms while they are in use, she should at least keep the door closed, instead of propping it open with her cart. Again, for reasons of privacy.

Perils of Public Toilets

The preference of course is for her to wait outside until the bathrooms are vacated. Additionally, I asked her to clean at the same time every day so that we don't have to guess when to use the bathrooms. I made the suggestion to post the times when the bathrooms are off limits or use an out of service sign to prevent people from entering before or during cleanup.
This was my second conversation with her.

Two days later, I used the facilities at an earlier time to avoid a repeat of the prior day's events. The cleaning lady, the same one, came in at this earlier time and stayed inside to clean while the door was propped open. An exact repeat of the events and points I covered with her. I advised her I would make a complaint.

More Effective? I stole this picture.

I did. I provided my suggestions. I sent a wordy but polite email to my colleague who is the main contact with the building staff. I stated the hours for cleaning must be posted, and the cleaning crew must respect those who use the facilities. I copied my manager and his manager. The reply I received was not to communicate orders to the maintenance people as they do not report to me. I should escalate the matter by completing a maintenance request.

It has never been more difficult to refrain from replying with an immense amount of sarcasm.

Two weeks have passed still no answer, and as far as I know, nothing has changed. I will follow up today and perhaps post the remainder of the story. What should be my next step if my request is ignored?

No Pants Friday

A couple weeks back I was fighting a cold and feeling under the weather. I opted to work from home that day. So it was another No Pants Day.

During the day I chatted with my manager via messenger. To add some perspective and in case you don't know me yet, I live alone.

Shawn: The coffee here is better.
Manager:  I believe you.
Shawn: and the toilet paper is softer.
Manager: lol
Shawn: But the people aren't as nice.
Manager: talking to yourself again? lol
Shawn: Yes. He took my pen.
Manager: punch him... lol
Shawn: I just did... I don't think I can make it to work on Monday.

Random Conversations

A colleague approached me the other day. We were each doing separate business in the washroom, but our paths intersected at the hand dryers. Yes. Thankfully not before.

Colleague: "So, Shawn did you unpack your stuff?"

I stare blankly, blinking, thinking that perhaps I could not clearly hear what he said over the drone of the hand dryers.

"Sorry, what was that?" I asked.

Colleague: "Did you unpack your staff."

Shawn: "My stuff? What stuff?"

Colleague: "Your things when you moved."

Shawn: "When I moved?" I replied, completely confused. "My office? My office has been in the same place for four years."

Colleague: "No. Your place. You said you had stuff to unpack."

Shawn: "My place?" I replied, still confused. "You mean my condo?"

Colleague: "Yes, your condo."

Shawn: "Okay, my condo. I still don't know what stuff you are talking about."

Colleague: "You said you had a lot of stuff to go through. And a lot of books to pack."

I stare at him for a moment as it dawns on me that he is referring to a conversation I had with him three years ago.

Shawn: "Uh, yeah. I moved close to three years ago. Not only did I finish packing but I also finished unpacking."

I filled the awkward silence with a brief story about the one box of junk in the back of a closet I kept for a rainy day. I then hurried away before he could ask me about some other random event in my life.

Still a little confused by the line of questioning, I was tempted to go back to ask him if he remembers seeing me on a near weekly basis over the last couple years. If this was a concern for him he could have brought it up sooner. Was this his attempt at small talk? Doesn't small talk usually revolve around current events.

The next conversation with him could go something like this.
Colleague: "Did you here about The Edmund Fitzgerald? Sucks."

If not already done, we must impose a statute of limitations on old conversations. We would simply tell the other person, "That topic is prescribed." Or if the existing limitations were lifted I wish someone would tell me. I will have to answer a lot of "Why didn't you call me?" questions from the last few years.

Complete Idiot's Guide...

Carpool Tunnel Syndrome

Since my car has been in the shop, or out of commission for the better part of the last few weeks, I've been getting lifts to work. I carpool by necessity rather than for the greater purpose of protecting the environment. A colleague of mine has been kind enough to give me a ride to work nearly every day.

A skilled driver, she is probably better suited to drive on the local F1 or NASCAR circuit then the highways and side streets. She is aware of the cars around her but drives too fast and weaves in and out of traffic too much for my liking. On top of that, she gets angry at every driver around her.

She may be reading this.

I've written about road rage before. Road rage isn't just about getting out of your car, getting into fights, or giving someone the finger. Road rage is also about your conduct while driving. Hand gestures of any kind, apart from a polite wave, are inappropriate. Cutting someone off just because they are driving the speed limit is inappropriate.

Constantly switching lanes to try to bypass traffic will only infuriate other drivers. Getting upset with someone for flashing their brake lights at you is ridiculous - especially if you are tailgating them. Swerving around them and intentionally slamming on your brakes to get them back is criminal.

I heard one radio psychologist offer an explanation. She indicated that emotional immaturity would be the most likely cause of road rage. The individual is not capable of considering the other person’s perspective or emotions.

Calm by nature, I am a different person behind the wheel. I have adapted, changed because I do not want to kill or be killed.

Her attitude is perhaps similar to my attitude of old; always in a rush, always the need to move. I got over it for the most part when I was 23. It has been a battle for me. Road rage did not suit me. One fight. One argument. One time flipping someone off. I haven't put myself in a serious situation in 20 years. My last minor incident was four years ago where I was dumb enough to get out of my car. Clarity struck and I talked the other guy back into his car. He was pulling back to take a swing when I used some very convincing words to get him to turn around and walk away. Crazy sometimes helps you win.

The other morning I was running late. I was finishing off a post and was having trouble with the kicker. I did not want to be late and I did not want my driver to wait. She is anxious enough on the road as it is. So at 7AM I finally post my story, hop into the shower, shave, get dressed, and go outside for 7:15 just as she pulled up. Some things will just have to wait until later. And I saved myself some money in the meantime. Did I mention that I am taking the Metro on Monday?

Working From Home

I am working from home this afternoon. Or, as I like to call it No Pants Monday. There are several benefits to working from home. 1 - I'm the only idiot here. 2 - No pants. 3 - The coffee is cheaper. 4 - I'm not actually working.
I will have to log back in shortly and finish my reports. And since my car is at the garage getting fixed I will have to take public transportation to the office tomorrow. The bus and metro system in Montreal has improved over the years. But not for me. It will take me an extra twenty minutes to travel by metro than my usual jaunt by car. A thought just occurred to me, I should carpool tomorrow. Always considering the environment when it suits me best, I will see if any of my colleagues in the area want to give me a ride to work. I searched for "no pants Monday" on the intergoogle and found this picture which I took from the cheezburger network.

Big Bang and Skinny Leg Theory

Vacation Daze

The vacation had to come to an end eventually. It is a magnificent day, sunshine and 30 degrees Canadian Celsius, or 86 degrees American Fahrenheit. I can't complain about the day, I will complain about returning to work on Monday. The two weeks off were truly enjoyable. I rested, relaxed, and did what I wanted. It is not enough. I want a third week. Now. Unfortunately, I will have to wait until November. Fortunately, I have another week coming to me, and it is not all that far off. And just as the cold hits the north, I will be hitting the south. Aside from rest and relaxation, my vacation was filled with chores, errands, alcohol and lists.
I made a list of things to do on my vacation. I have since added to it and removed a couple items.

• Shave my head. - Done.
• Don't shave my face. - I lasted 10 days. What with a funeral and a date, I had to clean myself up. And no, the date wasn't to the funeral.

• Finish building my bar - Almost there. Need one more item. 99% complete. I need a curtain. It looks awesome. And even at this early stage, my drinking efficiency has gone up by 17%. The photos are below. The photos of the bar, not of me drinking.
• Buy and Install curtains - Done! When your windows are 72" wide, curtains are not easy to come by.
• Plaster and paint my bathroom - my bathroom doesn't really need it. I don't where I got this idea.
• Go to Toronto - Yeah, well, that didn't work out. It's the five and 1/2 hour ride that keeps getting in the way of going. Yes, I will have to make some apologies.
• Go to Ottawa - It was only two hours away and it is family. And I ate at The Works (a review on Monday).
• Go mountain climbing - That didn't work out either. But I did walk a lot. And I can see Mount Royal from my balcony.
• Write for my Blog - With more time on my hands I was able to be more consistent and, I got started on some stories and came up with a few ideas for those times when I hit a creative wall.
• Ride my bike - I found it. Cleaned it. Rode it. Not enough. It's a start. Rode it this morning in the sweltering heat. 
• Buy a new car - I forgot about this. No, really. Getting into my piece of junk every day should be a proper reminder. Better conduct my research.
• Make a list - Didn't get around to it. Oh wait, this is one. Actually I made a couple. Some lists only had one item but lists nonetheless. 
• Repair my car stereo. I guess I forgot about everything to do with my car.  I will Google the instructions. I've already got the tools. Hammer? Check. Screwdriver? Check. Another hammer? Check? Um... what the hell is this? A wrenchy looking thingy? Check. 
• Build my bar - 99% complete. I used my knowledge of tools. My knowledge of bars. My hard earned skills in alcohol disposal, my possession of wood (I was going to write 'I've got wood', but chose not to.) Here are the photos.



Step 1 - Open Closet Door

I have tons of closet space. Too much for a single guy. Why not convert the one in the den into a bar? No reason not to.

Wood from an old Bookcase

Put it together, bolt it to the wall, cover the wood. Hang the shelves. And stock the bar...

Built-in Wet Bar

The wine rack won't end up at bottom but it looks good there until I put on the final touches.

I need to install the curtain on the bottom shelf.

Prior to putting the bar together I conducted some research. Mostly, to look for ideas on an ideal layout. Unfortunately, not too many people had much in the line of closets converted to bars. Rather than starting from scratch, I took apart an old bookcase and rebuilt it to my specifications. Refinishing the wood ended up being the easy part, I just had to find the ideal material. All done. And technically my vacation ended yesterday, today is just the weekend.

I'm on Vacation

This is What I Think of Work Right Now

I'm on Vacation! This has been one of the longest and most difficult weeks I have experienced at work and I questioned, at first tongue in cheek and then, in reality, if I would even make it until today. I did. After a week where I logged 52 and 1/2 hours in the office covering for the ineptitude and laziness of other people, I am done. A couple beers, a pizza, the TV and my computer will be the perfect start. Tomorrow is another day.

What to do on my vacation? I will finish all the beer in my fridge. I may go out of town. I may not. Montreal is awesome in the summer so I will try to take it all in over the next two weeks.
Things I might do on my vacation:

• Shave my head
• Finish building my bar.
• Plaster and paint my bathroom.
• Go to Toronto.
• Go to Ottawa.
• Go mountain climbing.
• Write for my Blog.
• Ride my bike.
• Buy a new car.
• Make a list.

Truly, Montreal is awesome in the summer so I am reluctant to go far. A Toronto-Ottawa long weekend to visit friends and family may be in the cards. Perhaps mountain climbing or hiking in in Ontario, Quebec, New York or Vermont. 

If I can find and buy the rest of the supplies, I can finish building my wet bar. I am in the process of converting a closet into a built-in bar. Once complete, I will be a much more efficient drinker as, I will not have to walk all the way to the kitchen between drinks, thereby cutting my travel time by two-thirds.

The Figurative Me, Free At Last, On Vacation

I have been sitting in front of the computer and on my butt for too long. Time to get back into shape. I need to do some road work and remove that outer layer of flab. I am sure I still have a six pack in there somewhere.

My car has also seen better days. I would need to put $2000 into repairs. After eight years I think it would be wiser to invest the cash in a down payment. Every car I have purchased has been an upgrade over the previous. It is time to scale back. I have always felt that a car is meant for transportation only. So as long as the vehicle is comfortable, safe and efficient there is no reason to sink a ton of money into a purchase of a flashy pretty little thing. I'd rather sink my money into a home, or a flashy pretty little thing called a girlfriend. I will be doing some research trying to find the cheapest, most fuel efficient, sturdiest, safest mid-sized masculine car that I can find. And hopefully, I will save enough and earn enough that sometime in my 50s - all those years away - I will be able to afford a Jaguar. Of course I will be checking in and writing to my blog every couple days.

Dress Code : I Need Help

On Monday morning, I woke up, showered, dressed and went to work. On Monday night, while at a Passover Seder someone pointed out to me that my clothes did not match. Somehow I put on a blue shirt, brown dress pants and blue socks. It did not work. I did not notice. I should stop getting dressed in the dark. Especially, since I live alone.

I had a moment of self reflection these last few weeks. To raise money for charity my office allowed the staff to wear jeans to work. Those who wished to participate, donated ten dollars. During this sustained casual dress period I realized I no longer know how to dress. My favourite clothes used to be jeans and a T. My style has shifted towards workplace attire. I remember a Dilbert cartoon where he faced the same dilemma. Unlike him, I was not sent home.

Dilbert. My jeans are blue.

I wear dress or golf shirts and dress pants to work. I seriously need help though. I need a girlfriend. There are the obvious reasons why anyone would want to be in a relationship. In my case at least, there are also the less obvious reasons. I need someone to tell me, ‘Shawn, you can’t wear that, you look like a dork’.

Been there.

Office dress codes have relaxed considerably. In our current relaxed environment, t-shirts are allowed, sandals aren’t and neither are spaghetti straps or tights for women. I have always said, whether you work at McDonald’s or an office, you are required to wear a uniform. In the case of an office the uniform is a little more subtle.

There is always someone like Wally.

Speaking from the perspective of someone who has had to, not only respect a work place dress code but also create and implement one, office dress codes are never an easy thing. I’ve worked in places where I had to wear a suit. I have also worked in places where the only rule of the dress code was ‘Don’t wear torn jeans’. Even with jeans allowed I find myself sticking with the dressier look. On weekends though, its jeans all the time. 

The Great Chili Cook Off

Red Kidney & Pinto Beans

We organize a pot luck at work every couple of months. It starts with breakfast and ends with lunch. With 15-20 participants, there is a lot of grub. The lazy people pick up bagels, muffins, or coffee. The others actually prepare food. The first time out a made a huge garden salad. Huge. Another time I brought chocolate danish. Yeah, I was lazy. But it tasted great and was a huge hit. With a few days until the next pot luck I had to make a decision. What should I make for the pot luck?  I was planning on making chili this weekend so the timing was perfect. I will make a  batch of chili. I will bring in enough to feed 20 people. All would feast. All would love Shawn. If only I knew how to make chili.

Vegetables and Meat Ingredients

I like eating chili. The best chilis have plenty of ground beef and just enough spice to feel it but not so much that it hurts. I just do not know how to make Chili. I also have never used dried bagged beans before. Who would have thought that one little bag of beans would absorb so much water that it would grow to 20 times its original size? That was the first lesson I learned. The second lesson was to find out that after soaking the beans, you should bowl them for 90 minutes to soften them. And then I went to look for a recipe for the best chili ever.

Instead I found this recipe. Basic, and something I could work with.
The recipe called for:

1 and a ½ pounds ground beef

½ pound pork sausages

1 cup chopped onions

2  15 and a ½-ounce cans red kidney beans

1 28-ounce can of tomatoes, cut up

1 cut chopped green pepper

1 cup thinly sliced celery

1 6-ounce can tomato paste

2 cloves garlic, minced

2 teaspoons salt

2 teaspoons chili powder

Alexander Keith's IPA

I know how to cook, and I like to experiment. Perhaps with more beans than brains I made several substitutions.

I replaced the pork sausages with spicy Toulouse sausages.
I doubled the kidney beans and added a share of pinto beans
Rather than chili powder I used chili pepper
I added a tablespoon of Tobasco sauce
I don't like cooking with tomato paste, so I added in fresh tomatoes. And a second can of the same.
I also added a whole red pepper.
And beer. Mostly for drinking but I am going to pour some in just because its beer. I think red wine would go better. But I am out of red wine.

Oven Roasted Chili

The instructions were to place the beef, sausage and onions in a Dutch oven. So I grabbed the ingredients and put them in my bed. Get it? No? Look it up kids. Seriously though, I know that a Dutch oven is a pot. I also know that I do not own one. I looked it up on the googlenet and discovered that, they look to be a cast iron pot. I decided to use what I had. I took a closed pot for stove top cooking and a roasting pan for the oven. I had enough ingredients for both and wanted to see which would work better to cook the chili.

Stove Top Chili

Place the beef, sausage and onions in your pot and cook it until the meat browns. Then add in the rest of the ingredients. Keep it on simmer for an hour and a half, stirring occasionally.

My recommendations? I was surprised that the oven cooking made a tastier chili. Stick with the stove top cooking if you want to go for a more traditional recipe or if you prefer a faster preparation. The oven cooking requires an extra 45 minutes at 300 degrees. Overall it makes for a good chili recipe and a relatively healthy meal to boot. The pinto beans adds the extra touch. And as far as I am concerned chili just isn't chili without hot sauce. Chili is a great idea for lunch or supper.

Why Colleagues are Colleagues and Friends are Friends

Colleague / Friend: "Shawn, Let's grab a beer after work."

Shawn: "Okay."

Two hours later...

Colleague / Friend: "Shawn, I'm going next door for a beer or two. See you there?"

Shawn: "Sure. You'll be there for a couple hours?"

Colleague / Friend: "Definitely."

Shawn: "See you there."

Fifteen minutes later, Shawn meets colleague at bar and orders a pint.

Four minutes later...

Colleague / Former Friend: "Well, I've got to go, see you Monday."

Shawn: " ! "

Save Money By Going To Work

I had an idea on saving money for a long while and when I saw this article on Yahoo Finance I had to put it in words. The Yahoo article talks about saving money at home. Make your own lunch, save a mortgage payment. Do you want to know how to save money? I am going to tell you how to save money on the job.

Over the years I have accumulated a multitude of hours sitting in the bathroom stall at work. During this time I realized that I am saving money on toilet paper. Every time I use the facilities at work, ten or eleven squares of toilet paper are left unused at home.

I purchased a package of 12 rolls of toilet paper at the IGA grocery store for $10.99 CAD. Not the best price but sometimes you do not have the luxury of time for shopping around for the best deals.

According to my calculations, at $10.99 the rolls are 91 cents each. Each roll contains 300 sheets. Each sheet is 0.003053 cents. Let us assume that in a regular sitting I use ten sheets. Ten sheets come to 0.0305 cents. Five working days during the week, we are looking at 0.15 cents. I work 47 weeks during the year, 47 multiplied by 0.15 cents gives us 7.17 cents.

During the course of the year I save 7.17 cents. Not bad. And that doesn't even calculate the days I have diarrhea! Tomorrow we will take a look at all the money I am saving on soap.