More Funny Quotes

I am a little late publishing this list. It is a summary of the best tweets, quotes and status updates of the last few months of 2011. Speaking of which you can follow me on Twitter, Facebook, Myspace, feedburner... click the buttons to the right. August was a busy month. I will put out a best of 2012 in a couple more months. You can find my other funny quote lists here and here.

Well, I've eaten all of my work snacks so now I hate it here.
@AlisonAgosti April 2011

“My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said 'Just wait.'”
Judy Tenuta unknown date

My Wife brings me so much joy...
Sorry typo, Wifi.
@PatheticPaul May 2011

My favorite Armenian-American reality show? "Keeping Up with the Kevorkians!" But every episode had the same ending.
Mo Rocca August 2011

To celebrate Shark Week I'll be attacking surfers then claiming I mistook them for harbor seals.
@DaveSFoley  August 2011

I don't want to complete you - I want you to come complete.
@SarahKSilverman August 2011

Next step in my being an amazing husband/father: reading aloud to my children. They love James Michener.
@michaelianblack August 2011

You lost me at "You had me at..."
@clarkekant August 11

I just want people to accept me for who I pretend to be.
@yoyoha August 2011

If we had gender equality we'd ALL give birth through our ass. And no more Men from Mars and Women from Venus, everyone would be from Uranus.
@dietredbull September 2011

If you vote against Obama because he can't get stuff done, it's kinda like saying, "this guy can't cure cancer. I'm gonna vote for cancer."
@bazecraze September 2011

"The secret to happiness is giving up all hope of a better past."
Anonymous

I'm planning to go around Yom Kippur services telling women, "I'm hungry... FOR LOVE"
@ApocalypseHow October 2011

The thing I like most about sex is the vagina part.
@wrongorange October 2011

Apparently Kim Kardashian realized that she was married to someone who would marry Kim Kardashian.
@cornlog October 2011

How's everyone holding up? It's crazy out there. I've killed like fifteen zombies already. Why are they all carrying candy?
-Anonymous Halloween Facebook status update October 2011

So...on Monday do we all go back to hating each other?
@joshwolfcomedy Christmas Eve

Stay tuned for more funny quotes, comments, updates of 2012.