Restroom? More like Work Room

Using the public restroom takes some preparation. The word restroom is perhaps a misnomer as there is little rest with all the necessary preparation. The first step requires you to ensure the stall door is properly locked behind you - we must avoid the door swinging open whilst the jeans are around the knees.

Next, you must carefully lower the toilet seat with your shoe. For, should your hand come in direct contact with the seat you may acquire a full blown case of the cooties.

Next, grab a wad of toilet paper to wipe the seat - as the previous user may have missed the hole and wet the surface. As the saying goes, close only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades. I say it counts for the guy who keeps missing the bowl and pisses on the toilet seat.

After carefully wiping the throne, discard the moist wad in the bowl. The wad of paper may not cover the entire surface area of the water. And this is important, if the entire surface is not covered when you start your business, and things do fall, an unwanted splash may be the result. Picture for example, jumping off the high diving board in cannon ball fashion and the invariable splash that ensues. Now picture this, albeit on a smaller scale, with the toilet water splashing your bumbum.

Next is the toilet seat, protect your sensitive bottom from the heavily used public seat by placing a toilet seat cover on the seat. If not available, doubling up some toilet paper will also do the trick. Next, it is on to your business. Hope you brought some good reading material! I recommend light reading, perhaps short stories by Jeffrey Archer or the latest issues of The Walking Dead. Or if more time is required, a Stephen King novel such as The Stand or The Dome. Happy flushing! Don't forget to wash up!